A faux open letter to Mr. Michael Moore

Dear Mr. Moore,

My name is...well...that's not important because I don't want any gun-wielding psycho hippies to come banging on my door only to shoot me for not agreeing with you. So...I'm going to call myself...Mr. Black Carnival. Anywho...while at school wallowing in the educational mire of my graduate degree my associates and I got into a discussion about you. We've seen and yawned our way through many of your movies and as the discussion drifted into the realm of nauseating boredom the question was placed before us...what would happen if you existed in a world where there was nothing to complain about?

Sweet fancy, Thor...what a world that would be? What would you do, Mr. Moore if there were no politicians to whine towards or no bitter men on the street to stick a camera in front of? Would you teach? I can only imagine how wonderful that class would be as you vomited up your cranky old man bitterness upon the willing minds of your students. Maybe a clown for hire, one that would prance about at birthday parties, making balloon animals shaped like General Motors devouring Flint, Michigan.

Alas, the group came to the realization that if by some stoke of fortune, the world shifted into this aforementioned utopia, you would simply...cease to exist. We imagine that as you were fading from existence (or Marty McFlying) you would continually try to convince every passersby that there are in fact issues worthy of complaint that they may have overlooked: the fact that there was never an EDtv sequel, the fact that Hannity never invited you over for Thanksgiving dinner, or the fact that the ladies from The View never seem to reciprocate your romantic advances.

Please know that this is nothing personal and that despite the fact that in a live action version of the Simpsons you would, most undoubtedly, play the part of Jeff Albertson the Comic Book Guy, these are just the ruminations of a group of young people that were sitting about one day, dreaming of a fantastical world...a world where, without anything to complain about...you would finally be quiet, disappear from existence and we would all know a sweet, long sought after peace.

"Q"